thrive 2

STEP 2 PRACTICE CHOICE MODE

How to to have more of the life you want?

You can free yourself with your conscious choices.

“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.”

- Henry David Thoreau




There’s two major mindsets of viewing/ interacting with our world that either will make life and relationships more wonderful or worse. I will discuss both and then give practical steps to practice the mindset that will make life more wonderful for you.

The first mindset is the “BLAME” mindset, it is an “AMY” dominant mindset. AMY (amygdala) is the part of the brain that causes us to respond with FIGHT, FLIGHT, OR FREEZE. Because any strategy that cause us to AVOID working on what is important, is a FLIGHT strategy, we are in AMY mode if we are dwelling in blame mode instead of working on what is important. FIGHT mode when we are beating up ourselves, or verbally FIGHTING or arguing with others instead of working on what is important. In AMY mode, is also a stress response mode in which cortisol is release which one of its function is to encourage the body to hold on to fat. It also causes the body to not absorb nutrients as well as it should. The part of brain for creativity and critical thinking FLO gets shut down.

The second Mindset is the “CHOICE” mindset, It is a “FLO” dominant mindset, because FLO (frontal lobe) is the part of the brain that helps you think of goals, identify what is important, and the many ways that you can achieve what is important. FLO helps us thrive and have more of the life we want. Flo mode works best when we are in trust and relaxation mode. That when the creative and critical thinking part of brain works at its best. We make less mistakes and we stay on track more.

The first mindset is the “Blame Mindset”

This mindset is most people’s default. The Blame Mindset is viewing the world through the lens of :

“Something is wrong with YOU, or something is wrong with ME, or Something is wrong with YOU and ME and that’s why we can’t reach our goals or live the life we want.”

This “Blame Mindset” is not a beneficial or helpful one. Imagine if our favorite phone or item gets broken. If you start blaming yourself like “ I’m a horrible person, how could I have let my item get broken...” Does self-blame fix the broken item? NO. What if we start blaming others. “It’s my brother he is so careless with my things, he is ruining my life.” Does blaming others get us closer to fixing the phone? NO, It may even get us into arguments with others, using up more time that could be used to just go get the item fixed. The blame mindset is unhelpful because sometimes it makes us forget what is truly important (fixing the item) and get trapped in battles of who was right and who was wrong which does not get us what we want (fixing the item).

The alternative is the “Focus on choice” mindset.

Simply ask yourself “what choices do I have that will help me get what is important to me (my item fixed)” then you will come up with ideas that you can easily help you get your item fixed and then do it. Examples: I can look up youtube videos on how to fix it. I can mail it back to the manufacturer after I call them. I can ask my friends to help me fix it. I can ask for a new item as a gift for my birthday/ holiday. Etc. When we focus on choice, there’s more than 10,000+ ways to get what we want.

Let’s explore how each mindset and subcategory affects our quality of life in more details.

BLAME MODE AND SUBCATEGORIES


“Something Is Wrong With You”

and that's why I can't achieve my goals

“YOU” could be any external factors like the country, this system, the president, employer, parents, my childhood, partner, child, God, the universe... When we choose to hold on to “something is wrong with you” the results are we get trapped in a cycle of anger, resentment, and paralyzing self-righteousness, while every day moving further away from the life we want, and the goals we want to achieve.

Our physical health can also be negatively affected. That anger and resentment can raise or blood pressure, blood sugar numbers, even our cholesterol levels, early aging and early death.

Our mental health can be negatively affected. Everything bad that happens to us becomes a wound. Increased distrust, worry, anxiety, paranoia.

Our relationships with those we are blaming can get more distant. It becomes increasingly difficult to maintain friendships and relationships. We may be so focused on others that we are blind to choices we have been making that’s been leading us away from the life we want and the kind of person we want to be.

It can also affect our spiritual life, It’s hard to keep the commandment “Love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself.”

It’s hard to love our neighbors when we think they are the reason that life is less than wonderful for us.

It hard to love ourselves when we think we are so messed up, and can’t achieve anything worthwhile.

It’s hard to love God if we think that he created us doomed for failure, or is orchestrating bad things to happen to us.


The truth is we are all created with a frontal lobe (FLO) so that no matter the inner or outer circumstances, human beings can still achieve amazing things. There’s people with worst inner and outer circumstances who are achieving the goals you want.

The flontal lobe is the wise mind. We can use it to turn things that were meant to be a wound into wisdom. We can use it to find creative ways to still reach your goals despite of internal or external limitations.

There’s people with no arms who play guitar. ​https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGm96vFvmxk Humans don’t have wings, but with the help of the frontal lobe we have created airplanes, jets, helicopters.

Humans can’t natural live underwater but with the help of FLO we have created submarines where we can live underwater for years.

No matter your goals, no matter the inner and outer obstacles. The good news is if you want it you can have it.

FLO does not make things easy but it does make all things possible.

FLO mode helps us to have better relationships with ourselves, our neighbor and God.

Again, the time we spend in our heads ruminating that external factors are the reason why we have not reached our goals, or lived the life we want, it is time that we could have been using to get closer to achieving what matters and getting closer to who matters. Remember, there are people with the same or worse external factors who are reaching the goals you want.

"Something Is Wrong With ME "

and that's why I can't achieve my goals

So if blaming others is not helpful for a better life. Should we blame ourselves? Staying in blame mode but changing the target to ourselves is not helpful either. Thinking my genetics did this to me therefore It's impossible for me to reach my goals, my personality is too messed. I have ADHD. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I am not good enough.


People confuse self-blame with taking responsibility.

Responsibility is response- ability the ability to take action towards the important. The keyword is “response/ action”. Responsibility looks more like “​choice mode”​​. Which is to recognize what is important and recognizing if our actions are leading closer or further away to what is important and the commitment to make more “towards” choices in the near future.

Holding on to “something is wrong with me and that’s why I can’t live my values/goals,” you will notice an increase in depression, anxiety, learned helplessness, apathy, quitting, self-hatred, decreased motivation, checking out from the world, distraction strategies, ​avoiding taking actions ​​towards our values/goals and each day getting further away from our values/goals.

Again, the time we are spending in our heads blaming our shortcomings is time we could be spending moving closer to who and what is important to us. Remember, there are people with worse flaws than you who are reaching the goals you want.

"Something Is Wrong With ME and YOU "

and that's why I can't achieve my goals


The mindset of “something is Wrong with ME and YOU that’s why I can’t do what matters” is the most dangerous one of all. If people feel helpless to change external factors and helpless to change internal factors. Every mistake or unpleasant event that happens in life will be interpreted to reinforce this thought that change and a better life is unachievable. One day they may even commit suicide.

"Feelings"

The “something is wrong and that’s why life can’t be wonderful” mindset can also cause people to have a negative relationship with their feelings. They will either ACT OUT or NUMB OUT their feelings. ACT OUT may look like bullying other people or intimidate them to change so that our lives can be better, often times ruining our relationship with that person.

NUMBING OUT you may see a lot of addictions, weekend binges on netflix, overeating of unhealthy foods, overdrinking, five hours on Pinterest or Facebook, shopping for things we don’t need, redecorating a room that does not need redecorating, etc. all to NUMB OUT, distract ourselves from our feelings. This is because under this mindset, unpleasant feelings serve as reminders of how messed up we are or how messed up others are, or how hopeless our lives seem.

So what is a mindset that can make life more wonderful, our goals achievable, our relationships with ourselves and others better?

The Mindset of focusing on our choices.

“what choices can I make now, that will lead me closer to who or what is important to me?”

This mindset gives you your power back. You are no longer limited by your flaws or external forces. You can have the life you want in spite of those things. You can be the person you want to be in spite of those things. Mistakes are no longer so painful, they are simply part of the journey. This mindset does not make things easy but it makes them possible.


The biggest mistake that people make while trying to live this mindset is trying to never blame again​​. When you choose to view the world through this mindset, it does not mean that you stop blaming, it means that you will choose not to dwell there. This is important because if your goal is to never blame again you will fail because everytime you “blame” when you were trying not to. You will end up in “ there must be something wrong with me since I can’t do this ‘no blame’ goal or “I have to move because everyone around me is making me blame when I don’t want to” In other words we are back into the blame mindset.

So what can we do?

We can choose to view blame differently.

Beneficial way of viewing blame:​​ When we look at blame as a check engine light that something that is important to me has been violated or is not being met.

Example:​​ ​Mistake already happened. ​​My sister made a dozen of my favorite chocolate chip cookie and I ate them all. Blame comes up. That means eating healthy, integrity and self-control was important to me. ​What choices can I make now that will lead me closer to these things?​​ There’s 10,000 plus choices when we can identify what is important. Two of those ten thousand choices are: I could have shared those cookies with my coworkers. I can tell my sister that I appreciated that she thought of me and ask if she’d be willing to bring me only a single serving of the cookies instead of a dozen next time.

Example: ​Mistake in process. ​​My sister made a dozen of my favorite chocolate chip cookie, I ate one cookie and I have the urge to go for second cookie. “​What choices can I make now that will lead me closer to ​​making healthy choices, integrity and self control​​?” ​​There’s 10,000 plus choices. I can thank my sister for thinking of me and distribute the remaining cookies to family members. I can freeze the rest of the cookies and eat only a small portion that’s aligned with my health goals at a time. Etc.

Unhelpful way of viewing or using blame:​​ This is in direct contrast to the old way of using blame, simply dwelling in it. When we use blame to emotional avoid moving closer to what is important, such as goals, values and the kind of person that we want to be. This is most people’s default, it feels good to do this, it is comforting, it makes it feel like we are “fixing’ the problem when we really are not. For example if the check engine light came on in our cars. Blame may make us feel like we are working on the problem but the time that we are blaming either ourselves and others is the time that we could have used to get the car fixed.

*Similar to blame. Under the new mindset, all feelings are engine lights that something important to you is being met or not being met. Therefore there’s no need to ACT OUT or NUMB OUT from feelings because they are neutral data that we can use to make life more wonderful. We will talk about this in more detail in another session.

But for now here’s an example, loneliness comes up, I can identify what is important to me that loneliness is bringing to my attention. It is telling me I am needing companionship. “​What choices can I make now that will lead me closer to companionship” ​​I can call or Video chat with friends and family. If guilt comes up because there’s a work project that I need to finish. Then I know the work project is more important right now than companionship. I can ask myself “What choices can I make now that will lead me closer to companionship and work productivity?” There’s 10,000+ choices. One of which is to work at the library surrounded by other people who are also working so that I can get both needs met.

Beneficial way of viewing mistakes: opportunity for a deeper layer of learning of what works and what does not work for you. Then you can brainstorm more effective ways to get closer to your goals. Whatever you commit to seeing through you will always achieve.


Unhelpful ways to view mistakes: Evidence that there is something wrong with me. Leads to frustration, quitting. Leads to thoughts like "I can't" "not possible for me".

Solution: notice it and turn back to choice mode.



The Mindset of Focusing on Choice Steps

Steps 1: Recognize when you are in the mindset of Blame?

Step 2: Identify what is important to you that is being violated or is not being met?

Step 3: Identify your choices in the moment? Or future choices you can make that will lead you closer to who or what is important to you?

Step 4. Do it.


Signs to recognize your mode

Blame language

"There's nothing I can do."

"That's just the way I am."

"He makes me so mad."

"They won’t allow that."

"I have to do that "

" I can’t"

"I must"

"If only"


"Choice Mode" Solution: Be aware of blame language, then change it to choice language. It's hard to change what you are not aware of.

There’s nothing I can do - Let’s look at our alternatives

That’s just the way I am - I can choose a different approach

He makes me so mad - I manage my own feelings

They won’t allow that - I can create an effective presentation

I have to do that - I will choose an appropriate response

I can’t - I choose

I must - I prefer

If only - I will


Where you focus your energy.

People in "blame mode" focus on things that's outside their sphere of influence, that's out of their control.

I try to control my spouse and kids because when they change my life will be better.

I focus majority of my time looking up, or talking about what trump is doing in the white house.


People in "choice mode" refocus on what's inside there's sphere of influence and within their control.

I focus on working on my character, and being a positive role model for my family.

My influence is greater because I practice what I preach.

I vote, and write to my legislators about policies that affect my family and community.


The Have's vs the Can's

"Have" language is usually, "Blame mode"

" I'll be happy when I have my house paid off"

"if only I had a more patient spouse"

" If I had more time"

"If I had more obedient kids"

" If I had my degree"


"Can" language is choice mode

I can be happy

I can be resourceful

I can lose weight

I can eat healthier

I can be confident.


Thinking that your reactive behavior is who are = blame mode

when between stimulus and response there's barely a gap.

When I am tired I mistreat my spouse and kids

When my mom yells at me I yell back

When I have low energy I skip my workouts

when there's guest, I clean.

When other's like me, I have great self worth.


Choice mode

Between stimulus and response there's a gap and in the gap I choose my behavior.

When I am tired, I choose to still smile and treat my family with respect because being respectful and kind is important to me.

When I don't feel like working out, I still go to the gym anyway because working out is important to me.

I clean, because order is important to me, regardless of others opinion of me.

I choose positive self worth regardless of what others opinions are of me.



Here’s another exercise to practice mindset 2.

In every choice you face, simply pause and ask yourself”​ if I make this choice will it lead me closer to who and what is important to me or further away?”​​ If the answer is yes do it, if the answer is no make a different choice.

Exercise 3

It’s called “take it to the cross.” This is a great journaling exercise.

1. Draw a cross and on one side write the words “towards” and the other side put the words “away”?

2. Identify something that’s important to you that you want to improve. Put that at the top of the cross.

3. List the choices you’ve made that have led you away from what is important to you on the “away” side.

4. List the choices you’ve made that have led you closer to what is important to you on the “towards” side.

5. On the towards side also put strategies/ other choices that if the triggers in the “away” side would come again, you can choose to move towards what’s important to you in the future instead.

6. Congratulations now you have more than 1 choice/ strategy to move towards who and what will make life more wonderful for you. If you need a little boost of courage pray and ask God to help you make more “towards” move.

7. Do it.


Centers